The Alcoholic Family System
In her book, Another Chance, Sharon W Cruse talks about roles people play in the Alcoholic Family. When viewing the family as a system, one can see how certain patterns develop relationally. And in alcoholics families those relational patterns are tied to a deep sense of shame.
So in the quest to appear normal, patterns emerge. Differential treatment and expectations of children leads to the adoption of various roles. The roles are not explicitly assigned or chosen, but are how children (and spouses) adapt based on the expectations placed on them and needs of the family. This allows the family as a whole to function. In studying Alcoholic Families, Cruse observed individuals could fit into one or more of these roles:
Roles in the Alcoholic Family
The Alcoholic – first is the alcoholic. This is the addict, the person with the problem. The drinking is often meant to cover something up. They are often unhappy in their own life. But in their dependency, they are often unable to take responsibility, are in denial, and possibly abusive or violent. Because they can’t control themselves, they tend to project their own inadequacies onto others, and believe they are never at fault for the problems they create.
The Enabler – here is a person who might be in a position to exert some influence over the alcoholic, but instead they support the alcoholic’s behavior either implicitly or explicitly. Typically a spouse. The enabler takes on the alcoholic’s denial – they may be resigned and given up any hope that the alcoholic might change. And in their inability to break free from the relationship with the alcoholic, they develop such a strong sense of denial that they have convinced themselves it’s not an issue.
The Hero – the hero is often the first child. Since the alcoholic, and the family as a whole, is hiding from a deep sense of shame, the hero becomes a way to counter that shame. The hero becomes the source of family pride. There are high expectations placed on this person, tremendous attention and support, they are treated with respect and admiration, and on the surface they look so well put together but underneath there is incredible pressure to take on these obligations, combined with their own feelings of inadequacy. The pressure to succeed becomes a compulsion, but inside they never feel good enough. There tends to be a deep sense of anger and rage.
The ScapeGoat – the scapegoat arrives in a family where they see the hero, but are never given the same ‘love’, respect and attention, and learn that the only way to be noticed is if they act out. Typically the problem child, not uncommon to be in trouble at school or with the law. Their behavior becomes a protest at the way they see the hero being treated, and the only way to get attention. But just like the hero, this is not a satisfying strategy.
The Lost Child – the lost child grows up witnessing the hero as well as the scapegoat. This child sees the differential treatment of how the hero is treated with a grandiose level of importance, and how the scapegoat is constantly creating problems, and this child doesn’t want any part of this. There is a resignation from the start that they won’t get the positive attention the hero gets because the alcoholic family behavior implicitly believes the hero is special because they were born that way, just as it believes the scapegoat is a problem because they were born that way. So the lost child doesn’t want anything to do with this, finds it safest to just retreat in the background and become invisible.
The Mascot – the mascot witness all of this. Often the youngest, the mascot is often treated different especially when there is an expectation that there won’t be any more children. They may be doted on, they might be supported and guided by others. But they live in a tremendous sense of fear, and they use humor as sort of a distraction which can make them pleasant to be around, for the alcoholic, enabler, and even older siblings. The distraction they bring can be a pleasant relief, and feel like fun, but it just covers up the problems the family face and deep down the mascot is disconnected from any sense of self.
Why This Is A Problem
An alcoholic family revolves around the inadequacies, problems, temperament, and needs of the acholic. The alcoholic comes first. Everyone and everything else is secondary. But the same sense of shame, inadequacy, helplessness and lack of control of the alcoholic gets projected onto family members.
Children don’t have a choice in this. They adapt the best they can to the toxic environment around them. Over time these adaptations become so engrained in their behavior, actions and thoughts that their very sense of self, identity and belonging is completely shaped by these experiences. Children of alcoholics may have learned to appear ‘normal’ on the surface, but deep down, each of these roles is hiding from shame, disconnection, fear and loneliness. All resulting from what they experienced with family. They go out into the world applying how they learned to survive, on autopilot, but often leading to dysfunction and dissatisfaction in at least some areas of life.
This is why you see the trans-generational passing of trauma. People are stuck, they adapt the best they can, they take what they learned which is highly dysfunctional, and they can’t help but pass on their trauma to their kids. They take their problems out onto their kids, or they are the difficult coworker in the office, or they find any other means to project the things they can’t take responsibility for onto others and act out in controlling or abusive ways – just like the alcoholic.
Noticing this pattern is the most important step to recovery. Recovery is possible. Every single child who has grown up in an alcoholic family, the brain of a child is not developed enough to fully realize that the family as a system and the behavior of others shapes who they are. Kids in alcoholic families don’t get their needs met, and kids who don’t get their needs met internalize the belief that there is something wrong with them. As Cruse, and so many Addiction & Trauma experts have pointed out, there is hope. Change is possible.